Time has passed since the last time I was here..but looking back no major changes on certain things. Sad about that.

I'm tired and burnt out on being right now.

She's irking me more and more and its showing more and more and I'm caring less and less. Time passes and we still passing this off as real.  Not to say that some elements aren't but the ones I need aren't. I wonder what she thinks, is she worried..I am. For her, for me..for us.

On the flip side..she tells me I've been gone. She's gone now so...

Writing hasn't been my friend and folks aren't either.

I don't think I have a bestie anymore..and I don't know if I'm happy or sad about that. We don't hang or talk...I've only seen her once this summer.  I guess that is a major change. She doesn't reach out anymore and I never have.

Was told that I push people away..on purpose. Doubtful of that though I am wary of those who amble to close for comfort..soothing or otherwise. And she I've never really trusted so maybe that's why I never have.

And she..she's interesting. She confuses me and I don't know why. I don't know if I'm attracted to her because of the confusion or because of the mental game that she plays. Because she is a game player..high scorer. Though she swears she's a third string bench warmer. I'm watching from a distance...looking for an opening. Not ready to make one because well I'm in one.

I need fresh air before winter settles. I would love to venture alone for a weekend but she won't allow that because that would expose us to the elements..to the light. We do better in the semi..that time right before sundown or even sunup..though I don't think we've witnessed a sun up together in quite awhile.

Everyone knows whats best for me but me..lol Then again they think they might be best so........

I stopped playing for awhile..caught up in being grown. Now I'm doing things again..playing with folks just to pass an hour or two.  We play adult games with kiddie toys.

This new job is kicking my ass. Enuff said

I'm going to D-town next month. Oddly interesting in that I won't see her and the other her I'm not interested in seeing. Old her says she wants to hang but really..going back that far in history is really only best when viewed on TV. Let's keep it technology based.

I told her what I wanted and she said yes and then she said no... I only really heard the yes. She'll hear no soon.

I'm loosing weight. That's a good thing. Regretting some things with the weight loss. Where did my ass go??? Seriously..that sucks. Why not suck up some of this thigh or this arm fat.

I've always said I wasn't attracted to the physical of a person, that is so turning out to be a falsehood. I think I'm pre-menopausal or something because every chick I see I wanna touch or smell. I'm finding something sexy in everyone. Odd.

We having sex so I can't even say its from a lack of. It's not good sex though..its just sex. I remember once telling someone she was one of the best lovers I had ever had. I must have been really feeling good that day about us and her cause I ain't seen that shit  in awhile.

I'm chilling on the online stuff folks is ignant or desperate for something I can't give.

Shit I wonder if I can really give to anyone. I always say I'm an excellent GF...don't want to be a wife. But lately I'm wondering If I'm just going thru the motions or rather If I've always gone thru the motions of pretending that I give..with all of me.

I don't think I have and that worries me...

It's getting late...I'll be back.

This week has been interesting to say the least..actually the last few weeks have. I'm all over the place emotionally and physically. Thinking thoughts that shouldn't be thought. Doing things I need not do and encouraging others to do so as well.

So confused and not sure what I'm giving out but I got some things coming back in spades. Wonder if my name is being written on the stars somewhere.

Trying to focus on the present and not "presents"...

Women are little girls dressed nicer.

She is she, we doing we. Today I'm tired, tomorrow I won't be...promise.

I promise self to be better,  do better. Loving self is never easy.

bittersweet huh?

So much on my plate yet I'm not full, not hungry either.

Mind is mush, has to be for me to contemplate the things I am. Logic dictating this is not the direction,  something else saying otherwise. I need a distraction, add more to the plate, possibly overfill, so I can be overfull.

Thinking on Mudear, missing her. Still not accepting.

Moves so fast and then its...over.

Sometimes I wish I could turn back the hands of time, make one more visit home. One more call to say I love you. So short, yet she lived, loved and laughed so long. Such a beautiful legacy, story to tell. Just wasn't ready to tell it quite yet.

I think I'm numb and that's not a good thing.  Faking it and people believing it. Unemotional and laughing. I honestly don't know where my head is and not trying to attach it to anything isn't helping.

I've reached out and at the same time ignored those offering. I don't understand those that claim "friend". My idea isn't theirs and for now that matters.

Trying to gather up the energy to do more than just wake, work and pretend to sleep. It ain't happening, at least not at the speed they expect. Or maybe its what I'm expecting.

Time to...

Man oh man...

So I'm writing again. Its interesting. Short stories, poetic in nature. We shall see where we going.

She irked me today. 50/50..Naw I'll pass. If I wanted that I would said that.

They irking me today. I don't get chicks..gay as my ass is, I really don't get chicks.

I'm trying to stay motivated.

Lunch this weekend......................................yeah

So not excited.

I think I need a mini vacation or something.

I need to go home, missing my granny.

Enuff of this..ugh

Took the first step, now just waiting on doors to open.

I miss somethings and then I'm reminded of why they are gone.  Some things just aren't right. Confirmation is a bitter pill.

Gossip is a mutha fucka, I tell ya. So glad I stay in and let that ish pass me by. People do weird things and call themselves gay.

I'm busy producing, others busy cheesing..lol

Think I hurt friends feelings today..but she grown. The real deal is real, everything isn't for you.

I'm tired..

Dinner and club on Sat night with friend/gf/sisfriend. I so love Sushi Cafe, I could eat there every week. She won't let me. Club was past wack. I mean seriously, a reminder of why I don't club anymore. Did mention the dude in white drawers and butterflys? Yea..that type of night.

Haven't slept good all week and haven't made it to bed before 12. So not a good thing. And here I sit again..counting down til midnight.

ACLU last night, interesting discussion. I need to be more than.

Got the hair done tonight. Need my brows waxed, gonna have to do that Sat.

Show tomorrow night and I've got maybe 5 questions jotted down. Needed that break last week. Need another next month..lol I need to push for some folks for July but I am so not in a rush. Most I've found prefer not to plan far out..weird..lmao

Thursday I am resting.

Weekend is full of to do for LM, Shades and SOI. So not excited.

Grants are your friend.

On that note..time to wash and sleep. These damn braids are to tight...

You got that book yet?










 

Information passed to me made me think over the weekend. Researched like I do and decided that was the best thing for me. So come July/August a sista is doing big things! I am so fucking geeked!!! Lawd wish I could spell it out but something are best kept to self. Just suffice it to say that life changes and so will I.

She says..yes

Other than that life is life. Had a good and relaxing weekend, first one not spent tipsy in a couple of weeks..lol Ended up slightly sick on Saturday so that killed the desire to hang with co-workers dropping quarters. Might do something this weekend, thought I'm not running up and down the street kicking rocks if we don't.

She's off this weekend and I'm honestly looking forward to spending both days with her. Sometimes I miss her on Saturdays and other Saturdays I'm fucking geeked to breath alone for awhile. Yeah my cycle on, so I'm emotional this week..lol

The book is out! Avbl on kindle as well! Aint we da shit?!?!?..lol Am I wrong for just sitting and staring at the book while in my hand? I have 5 stories in there so uhmmm feel free to google and buy.

Next up is poetry and I aint even gonna lie, I'm falling short. Haven't written a good poem in months, scattered thoughts don't count. Maybe I need to go wake her up and get some good ass or something, stimulate my mind.

If you haven't guessed by now, I'm in a damn good mood.

So in the mood to flirt a little bit, with someone new..heck even old will do.

Loving on a few friends this week...

Needing to reach out to a couple of more but....lol I'm good.

Did I mention I'm in a great mood? Seriously I'm giddy. I wanna bottle this up so I can pull it out in a few days when real life interrupts again.

I got some Clarks on sale this weekend..lol I love Clarks comfortable and they can be cute..u gotta search a lil more but u can find them.

Made an icebox pie this weekend...it was good. Mom use to make the heck out of them when we was kids, flashback moment. She like.

Break from SOI this week...going to do 3 a month this summer and possibly the rest of the year. Might try something different with friend, she wants. I'm......open.

BOOK HERE!!!..LOL  Just felt like saying that again and on that night time for bed. Peace n love folks

Never had it before and uhmmmmm now I know why....   Talking about sensitivity going out the window. My head was spinning and my clit was well it wasnt there, along with the rest of my body. I think it was still laying on the floor of my friends house where I had started the nights adventures. Crabs n liquor always equal a good time.

I don't know if its me getting older or what but after a night of indulging in alcholic beverages I can't sleep in the next morning which totally sucks. How can you lay down at 4am and rise and shine at 8am?!?  Then again if I sleep past noon I feel like I wasted a day so I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't.

I was told recently that I was conceited..lmao Totally surprised me, but then again I don't think she really knows what the word means. It didn't help that another someone in the same conversation said I was judgemental but that those who know me, know I don't really mean to be mean..lmao What kind of shit was that? If I had been a lil bit weaker I mighta been hurt by the comments from the peanut gallery but Ima be like a duck and let that ish wash off my back.

I gotta be me and if you don't like it then you got the problem.

Book is out..yeah us! Never realized how much of job getting a book from imagination to print would be but we did it. Looks good, heres to hoping it sells. Gotta feeling it will.

On the next one, which will be poetry. Uhmmm yea.

Considering doing a solo project, not sure as of yet if I want to venture down that route. We shall see.

I need to grow some more..possibly

She's irking me this weekend or rather today. Not sure if its her, me or we.

I need to write for the poetry book...uhmmm yea. Not in a poetry mood. Maybe I need to fuck her tonight and then maybe my mental juices will start to flow.

We cooked a great a meal together today..rather I did dinner, she did dessert. Now I'm sitting here stuffed and wishing I still had my gym membership.

Reduction on schedule.

I need a paper journal...maybe. One with a lock n key. Think Ima order one.

Personalized ones next year for the retreat.

I need to call my granny.

Had a continued great birthday weekend. Friend drove up and treated me to dinner on Saturday before drinks at  another friends house and then on to strip club and 3 am breakfast.  Friend falling asleep at the table was just the icing on the cake. Lawd its been a long time since I've been just walking into the house @ 4:30am. Sex while still tipsy is so uhmmmmmm easy and thats all Ima say.

Gotta do that again before the summer passes.

I swear stripper skin is some of the softest shit in the world..lmao At least that one chicks was. I was to cheap and plastered to give to everyone, though lawd was I in the right spot to get a hell of a free show.

Already planning our tour of strip clubs of middle town America. Should be hella fun. Tits and ass for $10 is the way life should be.

On a more serious note, Sunday was nice as well til the hangover kicked in. Friend left relatively late and uhmmmm yeah it was time for her to go.

Spent the rest of the evening reading and chilling with uhmmmm damn I guess she's livein2..lmao  Funny I haven't named her til now. Interesting lil mental thingy going on there Ima guess. 

It's sorta interesting our comingling of late. We blending very well. Played an April fools joke on my moms n said we were getting married. She didn't even holla or scream, said essentially cool beans. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

I on the other hand thought it was a hell of a joke, she did to. I guess we living married so it don't really matter.

Show this Wednesday, so not excited. Retreat damn near planned for 2011.
Book is heading to print! Yeah us for getting it done. Wished we had trimmed more but life is life and we doing it big for the first one!

2010 has been interesting, looking forward to the rest of it.

Great day yesterday...sort of what I expected but better than if that makes sense. Lots of love from friends and family, heck strangers even..lol Facebook was interesting, even more so with three pages. Someone told me I don't know who I've touched or in what way and just to accept the love...so I did

Spent the day grinning in between returning text's and calls. Dinner with her and friends. The usual crew showing love. Ended up beside her in bed, laughing and reliving the day. Planning for tomorrow.

A few presents but since I didn't want anything, everything was lovely.

Now I'm resting up for Saturday night, I see skrippers in my future..lol  Bottles up! I plan on getting majorily tipsy and leaving with my dollars...lmao

Got a few things accomplished today, show on Wed was good. Book is almost ready for us to hit the print button. I'm thinking on things for next year and the year after.

Last year was spent learning, this year will be spent growing.

 

 

For some odd reason I feel like blogging...so here I am.

I actually purchased a journal so I could blog when not sitting in front of a laptop. Don't think that's gonna work. Can't lock it away from prying eyes and my handwriting is horrible on a good day.

I need to write. Commitments aren't being kept. Though I've admitted weakness where others think I'm strong. Acknowledging my first love is no longer. I scribble but its not clicking for me. The desire isn't there but they still want so i give, barely wet.

I can't even say I'm tired today, rested yesterday. Caught up on things around house, net, life. Still feel like I have more to do. Ideas coming for next year. Bigger, better than. That's what we do.

Amazed at people. Still. Nosey ass broads.

Old Friend has found love...again. Hmmmmm, we shall see.

Still distancing myself from friends, certain ones. Just haven't figured out why. Keep expecting more and keep being disappointed. Instead of being grown, I rather be gone. They keep trying...for now.  Accepting that I'm odd is what they thinking. Reality is much deeper.

New friend states I share every part of me. I said no, I never share the real me. We were both silent. Sometimes I wonder about her and what she cares to share. Bits and pieces never adding to a whole. Doling out little gems, nuggets..weighing them against what? Judging me? Maybe I'm thinking to deeply. I'm gonna slow my roll that way.

She wants more from me, I want more from her. Neither of us is giving.

She has my back more than any other.

She loves me more than any other. Displays it daily. Agrees to wipe my ass in old age..lol

I wanna learn to ride dammit.

Got the info about school..dangit the next two years gonna be full court press.

Family is doing good. Granny apologized for not saying goodbye to me. She forgot we hugged and kissed. Trying to prepare.

Let me get off of here..gotta complete tomorrows outline. Getting burnt on this. One more year.