Truth is I am thinking on moving home for a few months.

Truth home isn't home so that makes no sense.

Truth everyday I wake up with the thought of...this isn't me anymore

Truth is I've made decisions the last few months and I'm not sure...anymore

I chose her. I think I did. I didn't choose it so in essence I chose her.

Crossroads...I feel like I came to one.

What upsets me is I think I made the wrong decision. Everything in me says I should have taken it and moved.

But I love her. I say I do. I think I do.

We made decisions together. Though we changed our mind together.

I asked if it wasn't for me would you take it. She said yes..then there is your answer.

She didn't ask me that question.

She loves. She says she does. She thinks she does.

I don't know.

I really don't know.

I hate my job. I seriously hate who I am every day I am there. I'm not nice anymore. This was a chance to be free. And I didn't take it.

But I love her. I say I do. I think I do.

It's Wednesday and every day this week I've thought on quitting. Every day.

I've even asked the other one could I.

Bornday in a couple of weeks. I feel old this month, older than my years suggest.

So..its late, I'm tired. Long day and the week will be even longer.

Work tomorrow, first person in on Thursday. Cleaning, packing, shopping..spending money I don't have..lol

Shades on Friday.
Interesting past weekend.

OES Convention on Saturday was interesting. I learned little but enjoyed the vibe.

Sunday was spent shopping, fussing and fighting. She asked did I want to end it all. I said "Ok"...thinking I should have said yes. Semantics.

Philly is a no go.

Atl is...well it's Atl.

Not thrilled. Flashing back to my move here for her. Wrong decision. Am I repeating?

Not risking..nothing here that I would be loosing. Just trying to make sure.

Add to that the job market sucks..at least for me.

Months...honestly I don't know if we will make it.

Mainly because I can't continue living a lie. Not fair to anyone involved. Stressing @ 3..can't imagine 6 or more.

I detest my job.

I need to write.

Light flirting..had stopped but here I am again.

I need to see her again.

Tatting for my bornday. Looking forward to the pain. I need some. She hasn't offered me any.

She says it will happen.

I feel nothing for her so can't figure out why we still interact.

I'm not certain.

And that's not an usual circumstance but I didn't expect it now or to last so long.

Silence.

I'm not getting it. We went from babbling to...silence. I flipped on the radio, some noise is better than static silence.

Is it a signal? Who knows. I'm so tired that it all might be in my head.

I need to write. Not work.

Shades is.....

She keeps popping up. Interesting.

Is love everything?

I've been in love. Didn't do much for me in the end. Wait..I grew.

I need a new job, here or there. Just something new.

I think we went from us, to you and me one day. Interesting.

We are silent.

I need to write. Is this writing?

bgl2 is just a dream.

Next year.

Debating on Prides. Might do none. A quiet summer wouldn't be bad.

Summer deadlines. Interesting and doubtful at the same time.

Last night we disconnected.

Last night we disconnected without saying our usual I love you.

I was upset. Overdone. Tired.

Not sure where she was except tired.

I had asked 30mins prior if she wanted to disconnect, hang up on a good note. We hadn't really connected. Busy day for both but still the love was there. She said no. So there we sat..in a silence I didn't want. Was in music mode and could have stayed there if she was to tired to talk. Didn't want to talk. We connect through words. Have to LD.

I've been feeling disconnected the last couple of days. Not sure why.

I do know that other things are not connecting for me so no surprise that she and I aren't. I'm tired. Things are sliding to the side, that shouldn't be. So much going on and nothing is getting done to my usual standards.

Not blaming it on her or us. It's me. I've been disconnected from my reality for the last few months. Dreaming on things, not realized...realistic.

I miss me.

I haven't written in months. Poetry for her doesn't count.

Set a deadline, it passed.

Started scribbling, put it down.

Not sure where I'm at..but I have to figure this out. Soon. Not for her, or us..for me.

There is a reason it's called the "honey moon" period.

We are thru that...

I asked someone if I was seeking something not right. Seeking to make it not work.

I didn't expect her to finish the game. She didn't.

She reached out to me...she does that often, sometimes.

Haven't told her about her, interesting that I haven't. It's not as if I reach out to her, because I don't so I think there's no reason. Though I wonder how she will react. If she will react.

I'm bored...again.

Didn't think it would happen for awhile. I swear there is something wrong with me. Constant stimulation isn't normal for anyone. But I need it, seek it...want it.

I'm not sure where she's at, though I know where we not.

Going to take a break.

I'm tired. Very.

Work is kicking my ass.

Dual relationships are kicking my ass.

I'm tired. Very.

Trying to do something while I'm in something. I've been here before. Sorta similar feelings, emotions...but there is something different. Something that she brings that the other didn't.

Trying to not do the same thing. Break up. Move. Break up..lol Ugly circle/cycle. Been there, done that. Didn't like the movie or book.

Bull-Fish

I've tried to think what's different. I think it's me. Accepting someone where they are in life is something I don't think I've done. Always went in with blinders, confused even. Thinking a change gonna come.

She's what I've always wanted. Someone as out as me. Someone as vocal as me. Someone as open as me. Intelligent and sexy are just added bonuses.

She matches me while making me raise the bar internally. Externally, we..match

Mentally she's outstanding. Razor sharp. Gets me, before I even know where I'm going. Get it?

I told someone I loved her today.

I told her weeks ago.

I showed her weeks ago.

First moment was electric.

All moments since have been...outstanding.

She says she understands where I'm at. A part of me doesn't want her to. Demanding that she demand is odd. Something most don't want or expect. I'm different, she gets me. Get it?

We play.

D/s

Switching. Waiting.

No rush...she says she loves.

withdrawls
she’s got me
shaken
attempting to find the reality
of a situation that
shouldn’t exist
me
missing her
one phone call
one text
that’s what I’m seeking
not getting
as I pretend
that I know that
we still good
that she’s still there
just sleeping
dreaming of me
and we
present and future
building on the backs of
past failures, mistakes
learning curves
curves of her
and that has me missing more
as I think back on flavors
still not learned
and smells
still not recognized
from only one
needing two
two days in a row
as we plan
to slip away
to be together
getting grown
hurts
shakes
upset stomach
heart racing
acid churning
withdrawls

I woke up thinking...distance.

I woke up wanting...distance.

To much sleep after a week of not enough sleep last night. Body craving much more. Mind is wide awake. Waiting on a happy middle ground.

She's here. In my space. I feel lost. Disconnected.

Speaking it out loud is confirming but confusing.

I want what I want...sometimes.

I'm a Taurus and sometimes that's not a good thing.

I'm a Gemini and sometimes that's not a good thing.

Still growing, though it's hurting right now.

Realizing that to live in the truth of me is being truthful to self. I don't think I am at times.

Reality is a bitch and she likes fucking me over daily.

Sometimes I wonder if this isn't real. To much like right after to much like wrong. Recognizing my human limitations. Recognizing that I possibly set myself up for failure.

I need to grow in regards to her.

She's possibly to perfect. If that makes sense.

She says I'm the best lover. I grinned but later felt overwhelmed.

I said she was. Freedom is sexy.

I need to relax, relate and let her guide me to release.

I'm still craving pain. Not sure why. Release.

I want to write. About her, about us. It isn't coming.

Things are happening so fast, but not fast enough.

I was re-charged yesterday by L. Thank you.

Can't believe how many time's I've typed that here over the years..probably hundreds. But I am..mind, body and spirit wants to lay down for a few days. Let the world move on by me as I adjust to a new reality. Though really is there such a thing as a "new reality"?

Either way this one is no longer. We've been doing this for close to five years. Three of which I wasn't here. I've accepted that. I've accepted that I can't do more...time. Prisons can be invisible.

She isn't the reason. She isn't the reason. Neither am I.

Opposites don't always work and neither do those sometimes "yoked" but I'm going for it. Why not. Sometimes simplicity really is simple. Humans make it complicated. I'm trying not to.

She over thinks and I over..love. If that makes sense. I see light when maybe I should focus on the shadows, glimpses. In the shadows could be my soul, soul mate. I feel that. That connection. Grown.

Still amazed that I did what I said I wouldn't do, with no regrets. Not a single one. No flashing heartache of hurting her. From hurting her. Because I know I have, I know I will. Can't see why she doesn't see...the changes. I haven't touched her in days voluntarily. It's almost like she's the wall I see, the wall behind the TV. I look that way because I have to, if I want to watch TV. I'm not a TV fan..glimpses.

Debating on when to tell her. She says wait. I've been waiting, for a change. For us to be better than. For us to grow together. It hasn't happened. I'm tired of waiting. Used to it but tired. There's that word again.

She scares me. I shouldn't love her this much so soon with so little given on both of our parts. Words, pics and sex. We building on this. I've built on less. I'm applying for jobs. Scared, though I know my worth. I see it daily. Still I'm human. Though some would debate that.

Debating on when to tell my family. I'm thinking after. After this is over. After this starts. After the move. Not like their opinion matters or counts. Old age is going to be a bitch.

After one am. I have to pee. I wouldn't mind being fucked mindless right now. Bites all over would be...pleasant. A little pain goes a long way. I need some...just a little. I can see why people cut a little bit. It's a release of sorts...I need one, want one. Need and want might be the same.

She says she doesn't share. Interesting.

She says I'm hers. Sexy, wetness dripping at the thought of being "claimed".

I might touch myself tonight...just a little bit. A little goes a long way.

This felt good.