6/6/2012
Restless

I'm busy, to busy perhaps though nothing is really pushing my "excited" buttons.

New Orleans was beautiful
Orlando was nice
AMC in three weeks...
Toronto Pride to follow
Got accepted in an anthology
Prides are in the air
In love
Looking to relocate
BLU possibly

Still I'm restless, I honestly don't think I will ever be happy. Always seeking something. Someone being brutal. Not that my happiness resides in them but..I do enjoy the newness, the sharing, the bonding..the merging. Til we are merged and then I get bored.

I get bored with jobs, with books..with people. Though I claim an inner happiness and peace I'm really starting to wonder if that's just part of the story I tell...that I sell.

I started writing..scribbling. Need something. Need to fed. Miss LM though not the drama or work involved. Miss SOI, though again not the work involved.

Looking forward to SR..though I wonder.



Posted at 6/6/2012 by Fem_kat
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she left

she left and didnít come back
I wasnít surprised
not much
expected
her desertion
from the first whispered
in the dark
I love you
between legs
silent tongue
lips parted
I knew she would leave
and never come back
I didnít stop her
didnít detain her
with promises of change
of hope
of we can do betters
of love
because I knew she would leave
I knew because I wasnít there
from the first whispered
in the dark
I love you
between legs
silent tongue
lips parted
I was gone
bidding time physically
while mentally
emotionally
I was down the street
midnight train to georgia
never been before
not that ride
not that train
but this one
this one whispered
in the dark
I love you
between legs
silent tongue
lips parted
Iíd been here before
done that
back scratched
heart weary
soul blackened
love had been
I knew she would leave
and I help prepare
her journey
while packing my own bags
I left her
leaving me
I knew she would leave

Posted at 6/6/2012 by Fem_kat
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5/10/2012
Truth

Truth is I am thinking on moving home for a few months.

Truth home isn't home so that makes no sense.

Truth everyday I wake up with the thought of...this isn't me anymore

Truth is I've made decisions the last few months and I'm not sure...anymore




Posted at 5/10/2012 by Fem_kat
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5/9/2012
Choices

I chose her. I think I did. I didn't choose it so in essence I chose her.

Crossroads...I feel like I came to one.

What upsets me is I think I made the wrong decision. Everything in me says I should have taken it and moved.

But I love her. I say I do. I think I do.

We made decisions together. Though we changed our mind together.

I asked if it wasn't for me would you take it. She said yes..then there is your answer.

She didn't ask me that question.

She loves. She says she does. She thinks she does.

I don't know.

I really don't know.

I hate my job. I seriously hate who I am every day I am there. I'm not nice anymore. This was a chance to be free. And I didn't take it.

But I love her. I say I do. I think I do.

It's Wednesday and every day this week I've thought on quitting. Every day.

I've even asked the other one could I.

Bornday in a couple of weeks. I feel old this month, older than my years suggest.






Posted at 5/9/2012 by Fem_kat
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4/17/2012
Well...

So..its late, I'm tired. Long day and the week will be even longer.

Work tomorrow, first person in on Thursday. Cleaning, packing, shopping..spending money I don't have..lol

Shades on Friday.
Interesting past weekend.

OES Convention on Saturday was interesting. I learned little but enjoyed the vibe.

Sunday was spent shopping, fussing and fighting. She asked did I want to end it all. I said "Ok"...thinking I should have said yes. Semantics.

Philly is a no go.

Atl is...well it's Atl.

Not thrilled. Flashing back to my move here for her. Wrong decision. Am I repeating?

Not risking..nothing here that I would be loosing. Just trying to make sure.

Add to that the job market sucks..at least for me.

Months...honestly I don't know if we will make it.

Mainly because I can't continue living a lie. Not fair to anyone involved. Stressing @ 3..can't imagine 6 or more.

I detest my job.

I need to write.

Light flirting..had stopped but here I am again.

I need to see her again.

Tatting for my bornday. Looking forward to the pain. I need some. She hasn't offered me any.

She says it will happen.

I feel nothing for her so can't figure out why we still interact.

Posted at 4/17/2012 by Fem_kat
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3/15/2012
Wondering

I'm not certain.

And that's not an usual circumstance but I didn't expect it now or to last so long.

Silence.

I'm not getting it. We went from babbling to...silence. I flipped on the radio, some noise is better than static silence.

Is it a signal? Who knows. I'm so tired that it all might be in my head.

I need to write. Not work.

Shades is.....

She keeps popping up. Interesting.

Is love everything?

I've been in love. Didn't do much for me in the end. Wait..I grew.

I need a new job, here or there. Just something new.

I think we went from us, to you and me one day. Interesting.

We are silent.

I need to write. Is this writing?

bgl2 is just a dream.

Next year.

Debating on Prides. Might do none. A quiet summer wouldn't be bad.

Summer deadlines. Interesting and doubtful at the same time.







Posted at 3/15/2012 by Fem_kat
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3/11/2012
Things...

Last night we disconnected.

Last night we disconnected without saying our usual I love you.

I was upset. Overdone. Tired.

Not sure where she was except tired.

I had asked 30mins prior if she wanted to disconnect, hang up on a good note. We hadn't really connected. Busy day for both but still the love was there. She said no. So there we sat..in a silence I didn't want. Was in music mode and could have stayed there if she was to tired to talk. Didn't want to talk. We connect through words. Have to LD.

I've been feeling disconnected the last couple of days. Not sure why.

I do know that other things are not connecting for me so no surprise that she and I aren't. I'm tired. Things are sliding to the side, that shouldn't be. So much going on and nothing is getting done to my usual standards.

Not blaming it on her or us. It's me. I've been disconnected from my reality for the last few months. Dreaming on things, not realized...realistic.

I miss me.

I haven't written in months. Poetry for her doesn't count.

Set a deadline, it passed.

Started scribbling, put it down.

Not sure where I'm at..but I have to figure this out. Soon. Not for her, or us..for me.

Posted at 3/11/2012 by Fem_kat
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3/10/2012
Sometimes

There is a reason it's called the "honey moon" period.

We are thru that...

I asked someone if I was seeking something not right. Seeking to make it not work.

I didn't expect her to finish the game. She didn't.

She reached out to me...she does that often, sometimes.

Haven't told her about her, interesting that I haven't. It's not as if I reach out to her, because I don't so I think there's no reason. Though I wonder how she will react. If she will react.

I'm bored...again.

Didn't think it would happen for awhile. I swear there is something wrong with me. Constant stimulation isn't normal for anyone. But I need it, seek it...want it.

I'm not sure where she's at, though I know where we not.

Going to take a break.

I'm tired. Very.

Work is kicking my ass.

Dual relationships are kicking my ass.

I'm tired. Very.

Posted at 3/10/2012 by Fem_kat
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3/2/2012
We are...

Trying to do something while I'm in something. I've been here before. Sorta similar feelings, emotions...but there is something different. Something that she brings that the other didn't.

Trying to not do the same thing. Break up. Move. Break up..lol Ugly circle/cycle. Been there, done that. Didn't like the movie or book.

Bull-Fish

I've tried to think what's different. I think it's me. Accepting someone where they are in life is something I don't think I've done. Always went in with blinders, confused even. Thinking a change gonna come.

She's what I've always wanted. Someone as out as me. Someone as vocal as me. Someone as open as me. Intelligent and sexy are just added bonuses.

She matches me while making me raise the bar internally. Externally, we..match

Mentally she's outstanding. Razor sharp. Gets me, before I even know where I'm going. Get it?

I told someone I loved her today.

I told her weeks ago.

I showed her weeks ago.

First moment was electric.

All moments since have been...outstanding.

She says she understands where I'm at. A part of me doesn't want her to. Demanding that she demand is odd. Something most don't want or expect. I'm different, she gets me. Get it?

We play.

D/s

Switching. Waiting.

No rush...she says she loves.






Posted at 3/2/2012 by Fem_kat
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withdrawls

withdrawls
sheís got me
shaken
attempting to find the reality
of a situation that
shouldnít exist
me
missing her
one phone call
one text
thatís what Iím seeking
not getting
as I pretend
that I know that
we still good
that sheís still there
just sleeping
dreaming of me
and we
present and future
building on the backs of
past failures, mistakes
learning curves
curves of her
and that has me missing more
as I think back on flavors
still not learned
and smells
still not recognized
from only one
needing two
two days in a row
as we plan
to slip away
to be together
getting grown
hurts
shakes
upset stomach
heart racing
acid churning
withdrawls

Posted at 3/2/2012 by Fem_kat
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Me

Black..
Lover of Women, One
Lover of Words
Word Lover
Proactive/Reactive
Aggressive, Feminine--Sometimes
Laid back,Loud
Cocky,Shy
Thick thighs,succulent breasts
Chocolate with a dash of caramel
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